Feb 27, 2023
Deeply suicidal, yet happy. I look at the sun, which makes me blessed for a moment. I feel so alive when I imagine the afterlife. I look at the whole world that it gives. I feel this peace that awaits me after death. I know it's a great feeling. This is amazing. I want to cry and vent all my emotions to get even more space for this beautiful moment. It fills my body from the inside and surrounds me from the outside like an aura. The dam will break in me now and all my mixed emotions - whether it’s joy, sadness, anger or mercy, will gush out of me like the strongest stream. I will give them the freedom to leave me, because only then will I be as clean as the whitest sheet on this earth. This is the entrance to heaven. I want to enter it and meet you. I want to dissolve for a moment in the light of the world and run away with you under the influence of the best heavenly euphoria. I want to disappear from this world and ascend to heaven, feel this miracle. I know that you are astonished to be there. I know you have found the peace and freedom you so desperately wanted in your life. If I can feel this joy here for a moment, I can’t even imagine how good it feels for you there. I want to go straight to the sun. Please, don’t go.
Mar 6, 2023
I feel very lonely. I feel this piercing emptiness in my heart, the same feeling with which we come into this world and leave. No matter if I am surrounded by my family, friends, people from school or just a crowd of passers-by, I feel the same way. Abandoned. This feeling runs deep into me, deeper each time. And people, I feel like they're just like a hologram. I don't know, I feel empty. Alone in this vast, strange, cruel world.
Mar 15, 2023
I wish I could run away as soon as I turn 18 somewhere far away and without a trace to start a new hidden, unremarkable life in order to completely isolate myself from people. My life cannot be changed from now, the only way out is to wait and wait for the hour of death to end it all. Sucks, but that’s the truth.
Mar 16, 2023
Have you ever felt completely out of place in life? Have you ever felt like you were born at the wrong time in the wrong place? Have you ever felt fear of other creatures like you? Have you ever felt like the most lonely and abandoned person in the whole damn world? Like it's not real, like it's a fucking dream or something, but not the real reality that should be? Because I have been living with these feelings for 3 years now, and no, it doesn’t go away, it doesn’t get better. I still feel like an abandoned, useless soul, which simply floats somewhere with the flow and doesn’t even know where it floats. The feeling of fear, embarrassment, loneliness - all this is already a part of me, it haunts me like my own shadow. It has been with me all my life, but it manifested itself to a very small extent, and now that I have begun to fully realize myself as a person, it all burst out. I feel like I do not fit into society, I feel detached and afraid of it. I voluntarily avoid all these ordinary things and interactions, and I unconsciously push people away. I can't even explain why I distance myself from this or that person who is relatively good. I just do it. I really like being alone.
Mar 19, 2023
I am fucking lost, I am fucking confused, I am fucking misunderstood, I am fucking dissconnected, I am fucking troubled to find a right words in order to describe my messy, not related to each other stupid thoughts. I am fucking ashamed to be who am I, I am fucking ashamed of my lack of intelligence, I am fucking lower than most of the people, I am a fucking little joke, I am fucking destroying myself and my future, I am fucking lazy, I am a fucking funny joke and nothing else. A fucking universe's experiement. I am fucking running out of words. I am fucking I.
Mar 22, 2023
I feel calm. Like the top of a mountain surrounded by a frosty slow breeze. I feel a certain harmony and I don’t know if it is connected with the time of the day. Like a narrow stream that always goes somewhere and goes itself without knowing the way along hard, but pleasant pebbles and it doesn't bother it. Like a June breath early in the morning, when the cool chill wind hugs your tights, on the grass lies a race as pure as the most innocent little angels, the sun still shines halfway from the side, you almost don’t feel it, the birds chirping their morning ballads. I cherish her. She helps me move forward. With her I am not embarrassed of myself and feel a truly needed and comfortable person. She kindles in me a flame of happiness that has recently been extinguished. I am so blessed to be her friend. I'm doing it wrongly, but I don't know how to manage time. It's very strange - it doesn't exist, but it exists. I wish I could stop time. It would be great to live all the moments correctly and be just a happy person. Am I happy? At the moment my soul is walking down a flattering little path and god knows where it leads, god knows what happiness is, but do I?
Mar 27, 2023
I’m on the edge of the abyss. I want to kill myself, even though I don’t really want to. But I simply cannot go through it again. Not this time. I’m gonna die because of shame. They’re gonna bury me with all the dirt out of their mouths. God! I am a fucking joke, a literal nothing! Life has no mercy for me. Not a single empathy-tear for the difficulties my soul is supposed to go through.
Mar 31, 2023
Another Friday with a piece of grief. Life just doesn't feel right now. Even if I have nothing to worry about (and, unfortunately, I do), I feel that something is still not as it should be. It seems that everything is fine, but this anxiety and sadness, which, like mold, covered my barely weeping heart, doesn’t let me forget about it. As with everything, I can’t get rid of this feeling of emptiness, hopelessness, abandonment and wrongness. Everything is wrong - a week, time, school, my condition. Maybe I'm dead and it's just a weird, slightly different world? Afterlife? Maybe the illusion my brain is making in its last minutes before dying completely? Why do I feel like I'm not alive? The prudence must have gone a long time ago. It's so hard when you try to be normal, behave and do ordinary things, and then, left alone with your thoughts, this state, like a stake, is pushed into your stomach, touching the intestines and a small part of the heart. As if no matter how hard I try to heal, this condition will not go away. It's like a part of me, born with me and destined to die with me. But where did it come from, maybe before it was not so pronounced, but now it significantly interferes with me? At least a couple of times a week, the thought comes to me to drop everything and just die, because there is no point. No matter what I do, I will feel bad, lethargic, sad, abandoned.
Apr 3, 2023
At this point I just wanna give up. This is totally fucked up. Every day my thoughts about killing myself become less than just thoughts. It seems like a way to get out of this fucking place. I don't wanna live and be a part of humanity. I don't wanna be remembered as I ever existed. I wish I had never been born. Oh, such a blessing it would be! It's a gift to never exist. But right now I am covered with shame. I am a huge joke to others. Awkward, stupid, funny, useless, dumb, ugly freak. I feel very empty and out of a place. I feel disconnected from others. I feel bad. Probably gonna kill myself, sooner or later, but I will do it.
Apr 9, 2023
Much likely I will spend eternity with this strange sad feeling that has gripped me since my very existence. At first it was not so noticeable, but as I began to explore my personality, it showed up. Sometimes I admire some moments of my life and think that now I am happy, that I am cured and further everything’s gonna be okay, but later I understand that these feelings have not faded away, but only dulled and a little later they will splash out again. Perhaps even take me by surprise to such a state that I can not do anything, but kill myself. I sit and rejoice, at the same time I feel these strange feelings of sadness and anxiety hiding behind me. It is not easy to realize that I will have to live with them until the end of my days, perhaps even after death they will be with me, as if yin and yang are not of their own free will. But one thing pleases me, I'm not afraid of death anymore. And I am fully prepared to die if something happens.
May 20, 2023
Lately I’ve been feeling so strange. So uncommon and unexplainable. I feel like I am not a human, but something that is wrong and is trapped inside of the box with sharp edges which hurts me. I feel like time passes near me, but I don’t live like everyone else. Like I am just a weird bacteria from another dimension, which never shouldn’t have land here and that’s the reason why I feel like dirt. But the saddest thing is that I can’t change it, I mean, yeah, I can change my personality, become a better person, but can I change my life, past and mistakes? Can I change the sample of me in other people's eyes? Can I reach the missed opportunities, because of my lack of self knowledge and shyness? Can I feel alive again, like a real human being? It’s all so weird. Recently I got to the conclusion that I never wanted to have a boyfriend or a romantic love source, even family stuff like marriage and childbirth. I just don’t want it if I’m being honest. I thought I wanted to, but I just lied to myself and tried to convince myself otherwise just to be able to fit into society’s norms, aka “teenage girl dreams”, to be more similar to my peers, even though I don’t think I have something in common with them. I don’t wanna be rude, but they are so different from me, in like everything - thoughts, interests, the lifestyle. Of course they can have their own opinions and I don’t judge it. They don’t have my vision of this world and I don’t really want to be close to them, however sometimes it’s hard, when you need to show all of your social skills, which I barely have. I don’t know what to do with my life, it’s so complicated and weird, like a fever dream, I wish I could go home - somewhere where I really feel like belonging.
Jun 10, 2023
And again I am upset. Why is it like that again? Why don't you hear me, my thoughts and my desires? Am I still "nobody", an empty sheet of paper with which you can do whatever you want? Why is no one interested in my opinion about my own life? I feel like my voice has been turned off by the remote, put on silent. I try to do everything for you, I work, I strive to do everything according to standards, to be a good daughter and an example of a good family, to be an object of pride, and still I am nobody for you? If I fit the social "good girl" mold, does that mean I'm just a great doll to play with for your own purposes? Then what's the point of all this, if in the end I have no choice? I hate to do it, and most likely I will have to do it! My problems are just a funny thing, unimportant, not worthy of being called "problems". If my problems are not greater than their problems, then it does not matter. I must obey and do whatever they say, because I am not a person with my own problems and views on the world, I am just an ideal object for the implementation of their unfulfilled deeds. I'm tired of pretending and lying to myself like I want it too, like I should, when I don't fucking need it. They don't know me, they don't know my moral state which is barely in the balance of suicidal tendencies. Bastards. How I wish that after death their miserable essences would suffer in eternal fire, so that pain from the inside would smash them and they wouldn’t feel happy even for a second, maybe then they would understand. Understand what kind of freaks they are.
Aug 8, 2023
All of sudden I feel below everyone else again.
Oct 16, 2023
Does this have to be this harsh? Does it need to be that difficult? I have lost sense of my life and purpose since it’s up to me to make them. And I don’t really want to. I have no real desire to live anymore. The affection to a dead person who has nothing to do with me is so weird but at the same time fascinating… This feeling is so… unexplainable. It’s so tragically beautiful to feel this even if I’m sounding insane… I don’t care… I love to feel miserable and obsessed to this feeling, I love to feel desperate and isolated, isolated from everything and just thinking about *** **** . To imagine, explore, investigate all the small insignificant details that somehow are connected to this situation. To correlate some moments from my life and thoughts with her… To suffer knowing she probably felt the same, went through this too, knowing that this experience is not only mine… I sound like a sick weirdo who is insanely in love with her but no, I do not do anything morally wrong or else. I am just addicted to obsessing over tragic events - this is the way my poor soul is. Maybe it just wants to feel related, maybe to distract, maybe… maybe I don’t know and won’t know this far. But oh, afterdeath everything will be different, I guarantee.
Oct 28, 2023
I wonder how it feels to live without knowing about ********* and *** ****. I wonder how it feels to feel sanity and peacefulness without having awful triggers from the past. I wonder how it feels to be ambitious and know exactly what you want from this life, in the future and who you are. I'm also dying to know how it feels to not be a traumatized person, who is tragically hopeless, helpless and pathetic. Who looks like it’s not suited to this world. Desperately wanna know how it feels to live differently… To not be me, having different thoughts, different feelings, different… something around the area of the heart. Maybe not in this, but in another life I'll find out that. Maybe I'll change. But at the end of the day who am I fooling - once you're lost, you'll never be able to find yourself again even in different lifes, dimensions, universes... Call it how you want, but fact is a fact. It's a neverendless circle, infinite hell.
Nov 7, 2023
I don’t think I am able to live another day. I don’t know how long I can do it - living is so exhausting, especially when you’re me. These terrible, draining thoughts come to me even in dreams, so there’s no place to hide anymore. The only form of escapism I had now is not safe at all. I’m on the verge of suicide and won’t deny it. If it’s meant to be for me to die so young and so tragically, well, who am I to resist it? So fucking hard, feeling so desperate.
Dec 25, 2023
Today I realized I don’t want to continue to live. And I am not that depressed how I used to be few years ago, when I planned my suicide and was obsessed with horrible things. I feel pretty normal, nothing unusual, maybe a little bit of slight disappointment somewhere in the left corner behind my ribs. I feel like I want to die, most likely in the next year around April (just like how it was planned). I understand all consequences of my destructive behavior and all the damage and problems it may cause, I don’t really care about that much. In fact, I don’t at all. Everything that will occur to people after my death doesn't bother me in any way. I am already kind of tired of living, or more properly – existing just as a late teenage girl, who is about to enter adulthood and face all the challenges on her own. I feel like there’s just too much pressure on me, I have to deal with a lot of things in less than a year which terrifies me, cuts my poor soul. This gives me the hopeless dream that maybe I’ll cope with it somehow. For me, death is the solution and a way of getting rid of meaningless human-made duties, and finally becoming free, not an existing thing. Just to disappear. There’s no motivation to continue to live. Life is boring and I definitely don’t want to waste my time here, when I can rest in peace.
Jan 30, 2024
I don't know how much I can handle it. I promise myself it'll be better soon, it'll go away, I'll feel pure happiness and life-enjoyment and that time will pass. No doubt, it will pass, but what will I do and how will I feel? Will it get worse, will I lose myself again? Because now I feel like a brain-dead vegetable, who just exists from day to day with no desires, no dreams, and, to be honest, no will to live. I just want to survive this semester, at least till March. This is my nr.1 priority at the time and maybe after that goes my hobbies, dreams, friends, mental health. God, please, give me the strength before I didn't kill myself because, oh god, how much I want a shotgun in my mouth right now. It seems like an escape at this point. And I know maybe half of this is my fault that I can't concentrate, but please, at this point it's meaningless and to die is an optimal choice in this situation. If I die tomorrow, I'm accepting this faith, and maybe even thanking whoever is in charge of it, because maybe then I can relax and stop feeling this huge weight on me. I am just a fucking kid, I may be 17, but I am a small, innocent little thing that is lost.
Aug 7, 2024
Haven't written here for a while now but still I am so tired of everything. Especially in this life. It's hard to explain what kind of sorrow I feel inside of me. I don't think there's a definition for that, it is some sort of hybrid feeling. The saddest part is this feeling is so fucking heavy, I feel it in the center of me, it literally puts pressure on my organs, making it feel so physically uncomfortable. I feel like there's a big hole in me. I'm lacking interest in everything, honestly. I don't care anymore, I just ''pretend'' to be alright, as if I am a fully functional grown person, who has her whole life ahead. I am the face of pretending and a great liar too. I have mastered this art since early childhood, I made a good reputation so nobody now knows about the condition I am in right now. They don't have a damn clue about my silent suffering. Nobody knows I've been suffering like this since I was 13 and how draining it was. Nobody knows I've been planning to kill myself on April 19 of this year, but (un)fortunately it didn't happen. I think I'm having an existential crisis because I don't see any point in continuing this, not a single thing to hang on. Nothing warms my interest up, nothing makes me excited for the future, no plans and orientations. At this point I became so selfish, but that's okay I guess, I feel miserable, of course I won't have energy to care about global or personal problems (I know it sounds horrible, I'm a shitty person). It's so painful to suffer alone and I don't even know if I'll stay alive after 27.
Aug 9, 2024
Imagine you are a boiling bowl of shit. And it has been boiling for a year. The steam is coming from the feces and the water because it's already boiling and you can’t stop it, you can’t turn off the gas, you can’t get the already half-dissolved shit out of the water, you can’t just pour the water out, there’s nowhere to pour it. Besides, imagine you are a bowl with significant cracks, desperately trying not to make them wider. And you just boil for a long, long time, trying to recover and not fall apart completely. Well, what I just described may be fucking weird, but that’s my situation. Depends on how long the bowl can withstand the cracks and the boiling shitwater.
Aug 19, 2024
I'm so tired of my dreams. They're horrible. Every night I dream of something and it's almost always a terror. Just a collection of all sorts of nightmares from my fears and stressful situations. It doesn't matter if I'm happy or depressed during the day, I'll definitely dream of something horrible during the night, because of which I wake up tired and mentally exhausted. Imagine your reliable and only escapism mechanism where you can distract yourself from everyday problems and negative emotions, suddenly starts making crap like mine does. I really want to spank my fucking dumb brain for generating bullshit. Bastard, let me rest peacefully, come up with something interesting and pleasant, but no, let's make me worry in my sleep too. Die in agony, damn consciousness or whoever is behind all this.
Aug 27, 2024
I have so much to say but I just don't know what words to choose and how to do it as anonymously as possible. I guess I'll start by saying that right now I feel as abandoned and strange as possible. Well, that is, I am completely alone, but not quite. People surround me and there is someone nearby, but in my perception of the world, I am nakedly alone, just like a spark burning somewhere deep in the forest and no one even knows about it, though no one is close to me at all. If you look at the world through my prism, everything is so melancholically beautiful and suicidal that it drives me nuts. I just see the world as mournfully beautiful and this beauty is instantaneous, after it you want to die, you can't just admire it for long, you know. I am terribly ashamed of being like this. I feel sorry for my parents because I can do it differently, much better and more normally, but this lens of grief does not allow it. It's true that it doesn't let me appreciate everything I have. And there won't be any other chance, it will be impossible to return everything. I'm such a spoiled piece of trash, to be honest, I would throw myself out and you know, no recycling would help here. Just destroy it instantly. Stupid me, what have I forgotten here? I perceive life as a strange experience, maybe like a feverish dream, and life will end and everything will be different, it will feel exactly as I said, only more trivial. And by the way, I started to think again that life was getting better, but no. Everything is going back to its roots, what a surprise! I can't be happy or at least normal like everyone else. Why, oh why it has to be this way? In the new school year my desire to commit suicide will return, I feel it, but this time I don’t have a plan (as it was on 04/19/24). I’ll be weird, lonely, and quiet again this school year. Wow, a teenage dream, for real!!! Honestly, I don’t want to fucking continue it anymore, the life is a fucking useless experience. I don't need it. I don’t like it, just like the whole concept of humanity. My thoughts had dissolved, and I had nothing to add. This entry probably looks weird.
Aug 30, 2024
Everytime I imagine myself killing myself, I feel so good. It feels so good to know that you eventually will do it, as it’s your only destined way to die. Because I am supposed to die by suicide in this lifetime. I shall do it, no matter when or how, but that way. Some people here should die because of an old age, some because of serious illness but in my case suicide is the only acceptable way if I want to end my life right. If I don’t do it, I’ll be miserable in another lifetime, in the universe. I will float beyond the stars feeling pathetic and uncomfortable, and the consequences of not doing what the universe wants will affect me further. And if I think so, the thought of shooting myself somewhere in the forest feels so calming, feels so right, how it has to be. I’ve been listening the universe, examining other people experiences (*** and *****), reading their material and you know what, yeah, right now I am 100% sure this is the way. But before that, I will enjoy some things from this earthly life, maybe do something I like and then just disappear. This is a fucking blessing, oh god, I know I will feel divine after that. I know what will happen after that and I want to say that it’s fucking worth it, it’s what I have been looking for since forever. Maybe in the next time I will have to die naturally, who knows, but here the angels, stars, souls whisper to me to take my own life for my well being.
Sep 5, 2024
I feel like the loneliest person ever existed in this world. This life must be the most fucked up, the most painful, the most torturing and the most confusing thing I have ever experienced. At this point I don’t even feel right living it. It feels so wrong for me to be here, like I do not fit in here, like some sort of alien. Funny though to see how everyone seems to know what to do in the future while I am here completely in the fog, without any future, most likely dead in 10 years or so. Because I know my destiny is to interrupt my existence and set myself free from this never ending cycle that had been glitching for some reason. Good for everyone who knows what to do and how to live, good for the people that want to live here. I don’t. And I don’t fucking care if you think I’m insane. You will never see this world from my perspective, you will never feel the things my way, you will never be me. It’s a gift to know all the secrets of this earthly life and universe, although this isn’t some big, unknown mystery, it just might be hard to understand, but I think some people don’t have to. They just need to continue to live in the illusion that society and government has been promoting to their little heads. Maybe they’ll realize in the next life, maybe a thousand years will pass. Living with the knowledge I have is quite interesting… It feels like some comedy, like non-real stuff, because you know you won’t be here for long, you have been sent here to finally realize the truth about death, so now you’re just constantly pretending. You blend in, because you can’t kill yourself now for many reasons. But the task won’t be undone. I promise to you all, I promise to the universe and most importantly, to me.
Sep 16, 2024
I feel so left out. I see it everyday how awfully I don’t fit in. Even if I try to be like them, it doesn’t really work out. But I don’t want to pretend. I am the way I am - with the formed personality, views, morals. It’s just so weird to see how different we are. My peers are so stereotypically rotten and I don’t mean it in a bad way, the society played well to place in their heads the construction of life. Like how they should live, think, be. If I ask them why, they probably won’t be able to answer. Why do you want to get an education? Why do you go on a romantic date? Why do you want to dress stylishly and follow the trends? Why do you even need the acceptance of society and the perfect impression of yourself in the eyes of others? Most likely, they will answer something like “Well, it is just right. This is how it should be.” Their answers will be the same as it all comes from the government. They don’t even try to be unique, they all have the same style, the same values, the same hobbies which aren’t even healthy. They’re generally annoying and when you’re trapped in a one place with all of these biorobots, it’s hard to stay sane. I literally feel so pushed being in the school, where everybody is exactly the same, except for the names. God, imagine if they ever have the perspective of life I have. Life seems to be so easy to them as their brains are occupied with the bullshit that has been passed down for decades. But you know what? It’s none of my business, I have better things to worry about and I definitely won’t waste my energy on them. I am me, I may not fit in, but I am too tired to care about it anymore. I better be hated for who I am rather than loved for being whom I’m not. If I can’t be on my own, I’d feel better dead.
Oct 21, 2024
I envy the last time when I was happy and not suicidal. Now I will never get to that state. I shall suffer silently, till I loose sanity and any boundaries. I will fade away once unexpectedly and all you'll have will be this silly site filled with dots of my energy. Don't take it seriously, the fault is way shallower than it seems. This life was a mistake anyways, perhaps the universe messed up souls or so, but it is quite understandable that I shouldn't have had be born here after all. I'll miss some things from here, but when it's about to end your suffering, you don't really mind. Feels so calming to write this while being alive yet. One thing is clear and you should keep it in mind; it's better there than here on the Earth and I don't regret my decision in a second. Stay save in this twisted world.